HOw 2 du tha Swaptale!
by Manizu
Summary: I've probably got everything wrong, and I'm going with it. YOU CANNOT STOP ME. Art credit to the lovely and talented Manizu of Deviant Art, who also happens to be me. Used without permission. (ON HIATUS; WILL RESUME WHEN WE HAVE A BUDGET)
1. HOI OR GOODBOI!

Pain ran through Frisk's body.

They ignored it and got up. We have a plot to get to, after all—can't go wasting that shoestring budget on long, boring, and expensive descriptions of how the pain spread from the soles of their feet to—

Ah, right.

Faint light spilled from a door across the room. Frisk looked up. Barring the possibility that they might spontaneously grow wings and be able to fly back up through the hole, it seemed that there would be no getting back up to the surface for now. Thus, going through the door had seemed like a good option at the time.

The poor fool.

"HOOIIIII! I'M FLOWEY, THA FLOWER!"

The shrill voice of what sounded like a Tumblrite rang through the room. Frisk began to wonder if waiting endlessly in the last room for the off-chance that they might grow wings would be a better decision after all. If they knew anything about quantum physics, it was bound to happen on one timeline.

Don't question the internal logic of a child knowing quantum physics. We couldn't afford a fact-checker.

Gritting their teeth, Frisk approached the figure in the middle of the room. It appeared to be a small fairy…cat…emo…thing, like some horrible abomination you might see at an anime convention. A silly smile lit up its face.

"DO U KNOWS HOW 2 GET THA LUVS?!"

"The…the what now?"

"DOWN HERE, WE SHARES LUVS WITH TEM FLAKES!" A circle of white…somethings…that looked vaguely like wood shavings appeared above its head. "TRY AND CATCH 'EM ALL!"

At once, the circle of very-definitely-white-painted-sawdust shot at Frisk at an unimaginably fast speed.

With their incredible dodging skills built up from years of playing Touhou, they slid to the right just in time to avoid a lung-crushing storm of dust.

"That…feels like a really bad idea, somehow. And also, I'm pretty sure those aren't edible."

The horrible abomination's smile twitched. Slowly, it broke down into a jack-o-lantern-esque grimace.

"U KNOWS WHATS GOING ON HERE, DONT YOU?!"

Frisk ran like heck.

* * *

After managing to lose the vaguely cat-like creature (which wasn't hard; it got sidetracked by the first of many yaoi posters plastered all over the Ruins for some reason), Frisk collapsed.

"So hungry…I wonder if I can eat Herr Stick…" They mumbled and pulled said stick closer to them. "Mein sticky friend…"

They were about to start peeling the bark off when a tantalizing smell wafted past their nose. They looked up.

A quaint little house stood exactly three feet from them.

"Ooh…somehow, I can tell that it smells exactly like butterscotch-cinnamon pie, even though that's a bizarrely esoteric dessert I've never heard of before…"

The smell of the delicious dessert filled them with dank memes—excuse me, Determination. They rose to their feet and opened the door.

"Hey, I'm an entitled RPG protag, so I'm coming into your house now. Tu casa es mi casa, dame comida."

Their snark was met with the tip of a large trident.

"Human…"

Behind the large trident was a very tall, furry (and presumably female, from the way her voice sounded) creature dressed in a robe, a cape, and shoulder armor. Her eyes, initially hard, softened.

"I had just finished baking a pie…I would offer you a slice, but…you know how it is."

"I…I know how what is?"

She ignored them.

"I hadn't thought it would be this easy, but…at the same time, I almost wish it wasn't."

"No, seriously, please explain what's going on here, because it really sounds like you're about to kill m—"

"It's time to finish this, and return to the surface!"

Frisk agreed. It was indeed time to return to the surface. That would be nice. They were about to nod their head in assent when a volley of fireballs flew past their head.

"Is…is my hair burning?!" They hurried to pat out the still-burning embers climbing through their brown locks. "What happened to game balance? This really feels like some final-boss-level [censored by Mettaton] here!"

She didn't answer, but swung the trident. Frisk fell to the ground, narrowly avoiding certain death.

"I…I'm just gonna…"

"…DO A BARREL ROOOOOLLLLL!"

The cry filled them with weeby defurrynation—sorry, completely-normal-brand Determination—and they rolled past the most-definitely-a-final-boss into the basement across the room.

Of course, they completely ignored the fact that in all honesty the basement is the worse place to go, and is usually only chosen by the main characters of really, really bad horror flicks.

But to the basement they rolled, and down a long hallway they went. They could hear footsteps pounding behind them.

 _So this is it,_ they thought. _I die here because I didn't spontaneously grow wings. I die here because I made a dumb, dumb decision, and didn't roll back out the door RIGHT BEHIND ME like a normal person, but instead went into THE BASEMENT LIKE AN IDIOT. LIKE A HORROR MOVIE IDIOT._

 _Impending death in three…two…oh, look, a door._

Indeed, a door somehow appeared in their line of sight at just the right moment—after all, a door is never late; it arrives precisely when it means to.

Frisk slipped out the door, slamming it shut behind them. They slid to the snow-covered ground.

"Hah…hah…ha-ha…." Gasps of cold air turned to surprised laughter. "I can't believe I—"

 _Wham._

Frisk jumped as cracks appeared in the door.

 _Wham._

A few chips of wood clattered to the ground.

"Ugh…I had hoped it wouldn't come to this…"

 _Wha—_

 **Welcome to the Level Editor!**

 **What is your desired action, user:Frisk?**

-Select object:bush.

 _Wham._

-Drop object:bush in front of pathway:door.

 **This will block the path, preventing pathway:door from being opened until object:bush is removed. Are you sure you want to do this?**

-Drop obect:bush in front of pathway:door.

 _Wham._

 **Are you really, really sure?**

-Yes, I'm really, really sure. Just do it.

 **Maybe we could talk about thi—**

-THERE'S NO TIME _TO_ TALK ABOUT THIS!

 **(The Level Editor looks hurt, but does it anyway.)**

-Exit Level Editor.

 **Are you sure you want to—**

-Forcequit Level Editor.

Frisk sighed in relief and resumed sliding to the snow-covered ground. They managed to lay there for a very restful 15 seconds before a shrill voice pierced the cold winter air—

"Brother! I've found a human!"

* * *

Notes:

Remember that project I mentioned in A Value Between 0 and 2? The one I don't have to think about so much? …Yeah.

I found out what Underswap is, and…I don't get it. It seems like most of the changes are in name only, so if that's the case, why not just…use the original characters…? (I mean, it seems like the only major change is that Papyrus smokes now. Despite not having lungs.)

Anyway, I don't want to bash anyone that likes it, because if you do…awesome! And personally, I find Swap Sans to be kind of…weirdly cute. But it's just not my thing, overall.

I laughed to the point of tears drawing the cover image. I truly did.


	2. But Those Spikes Were Expensive

**[A/N: We wanted to hire Faulerro to voice literally everyone, but our budget was…kinda thin for this episode. As in, it was two shoelaces and a piece of chewed gum. So, if you could…please imagine Frisk as his rendition of Makoto Naegi, and Sans as Kiyotaka Ishimaru. Papyrus? Nobody cares about h—uh, whatever makes you happy. For ultra-gag-mode, might I suggest Monokuma?]**

Frisk looked up to see a short, stocky skeleton wearing armor and a blue scarf. A grin was plastered across his face, and the holes where his eyes should be shone with excitement.

"Oh, already? Dude, we just finished hiding the body of the sixth one." A taller skeleton in a red hoodie strode toward Frisk.

"PAPYRUS NO!" The shorter one shot a glare at his brother, then turned back to Frisk. "Do not listen to him! He tells horrible jokes at the most inappropriate times!"

"Can't help it; I see _pun_ -tential in everything."

"I SAID STOP IT!"

Frisk watched as the pair continued arguing back and forth between themselves.

"Well…if it's okay with you guys, I guess I'm just gonna go now…"

He was almost across the bridge in the distance when they noticed.

"Ah! Curses! Our endearing tomfoolery has allowed the human to escape!"

"Guess we better _ketchup._ "

"This is NOT THE TIME FOR IT!"

"You're smiling."

"OF COURSE I'M ALWAYS SMILING, I'M A SKELETON!"

Frisk turned as the sound of quick, heavy footsteps grew closer.

"Come, human! We must initiate the monster world's traditional method of capturing humans: frustrating puzzles and japes! Not-dates! And then…cellmates! Grab my hand!"

Without waiting for an answer, the short skeleton grabbed Frisk's hand, and the two ran. We wanted to have World's End Umbrella play in the background for this scene, but music royalties are expensive, so just imagine it.

"But I don't even know your naaaaaaaame!"

"Ah! Trifling details! I'm Sans, the great skeleton and future member of the Royal Guard! And you, my dear human and stepping stool for this great end?"

"…Frisk." They resisted the urge to make a short joke.

"Like that thing they do to you at airports? What kind of parent names their child that?!"

Frisk quietly ignored the fact that Sans was most likely named after a font.

"Ah! Here it is!" They arrived at a fairly blank and unassuming patch of snow. "Face this dastardly electric maze, designed by the great Sans himself! But if you fail…" He grinned; not malevolently, but in a rather self-satisfied way. "You must submit to be captured! And I will turn you in to Undyne, and get inducted to the Royal Guard, and—"

"Right, I get it." Frisk surveyed the patch of snow. It seemed like there was a slight depression in the ground; other than that, there was no indication of where the boundaries of the maze might be.

They did the only thing they could: walked around it.

"Nooooo! To think, solved so easily—" A blue blush spread across his face. "You must be a once-in-a-generation puzzle genius like myself!"

"Uh, yeah, that's exactly it."

"Wonderful!" His elated smile turned quickly into a frown. "No! We must test your puzzle prowess! Take my hand again!"

 **~One Scratchy, Pirated World's End Umbrella Later~**

"Feast your eyes upon this! A…a crossword?!" Sans stamped his foot on the ground. "PAPYRUS! WHAT'S THE MEANING OF THIS?!"

Papyrus stepped out from behind a tree. No one questioned the internal logic of why he did so—we still can't afford a fact checker. But the point is…NEITHER CAN THEY!  
Ahem.

"Junior Jumble gets old after a while, bro. Crosswords are where it's at."

"CROSSWORDS ARE RUBBISH!"

"So they _rub_ you the wrong way?"

Papyrus lit a cigarette as Sans screamed in frustration. This greatly confused Frisk.

"…Where does it all go?"

"Huh? What, you askin' that just because I'm _skinny_?"

"Uh…no. The smoke. You, uh, kinda don't have lungs."

"I kinda don't have _skin_ either. It works out."

"…Okay."

"Nevermind! It doesn't matter! Human!" Sans recovered from his screaming fit, jabbing a gloved finger in the air. "Attempt the crossword!" He handed them a pencil.

Frisk stared down at the abyss of white boxes and black lines. The key seemed to be written in some indecipherable language—'What is 2+2?' I mean, who would even know that? Certainly not a kid who has an in-depth knowledge of quantum physics (what would have been our recently-hired fact-checking department is currently busy fending off Hachi's lawyers and Youtube Red; please be patient).

They shrugged, and filled in Z's for all the boxes.

"Brilliant! That's exactly it! All they make me want to do is sleep!" Sans's eyes shone. "Great minds think alike, human Frisk! But…can you solve THIS?" Once more, he took their hand…

 **~I mean, what can we play here? Chariots of Fire? Is that copyrighted, too? Ah, I know: have some lovely percussion brought to you by the act of striking our gum wad with our shoelaces.~**

"Heheheh! You'll NEVER solve this one!"

Two switches stood on the ground, a gray button between them. What's the difference between a switch and a button? Don't ask me.

"Turn the switches into red circles, and press the gray button! But the trick is to—"

Before he could finish, Frisk had solved it.

"Yes! YES! Beautiful! The trick is to step on the second switch BEFORE the button!" He brought his arm down in a cheerful little fist pump. "But can you solve the next one, that so ingeniously looks exactly like a hamburger?!"

Frisk looked over it. It did seem a good deal more complicated; not helping the matters was the rather frustrating (and mouth-watering) layout of the puzzle.

However…looking over the puzzle is not the only path to victory. One must also be fully aware of the environment in which it resides.

"Hey, is that…another button?" A large red button embedded in a nearby tree trunk read:

 **Press to Immediately Solve Puzzle**

Frisk pressed it.

"I should have known! You would never fall for the fake button on the ground over yonder…nay, you and I alone have the eye for the true switch!" He laughed. "A child after my own heart!"

"Or, y'know, you could just step over the spikes." Papyrus appeared, and so did the smell of tobacco; he was still smoking.

"B-but!" Sans blushed, flustered. "The human can't do that! Look how short they are!"

"Are you sure you aren't talking about yourself?"

"I'm sure!"

Papyrus chuckled. "The secret is being incredibly tall and handsome. At least you've got one of 'em working for you; count your blessings." He rubbed his brother's head.

"Stop petting me just because you're taller!"

"Sorry, does it prick your _short_ temper?"

"I SWEAR TO YOU I'LL HAVE YOUR HEAD AS SOON AS I CAN REACH IT!"

Frisk took this opportunity to walk off once again. This time, they managed to get all the way to another bridge before the two noticed their absence.

"All right, human! Stop right there!" Sans panted from the run; Papyrus, being the sort with longer legs, was unaffected. "So you've solved every puzzle we've thrown at you so far, have you? Even the electronic one I didn't get the chance to turn on! But! This! Time!" He gave a dramatic turn, scarf billowing out behind him. Several large, dangerous, pointy objects suspended from ropes dropped from somewhere and loomed menacingly.

There was also a dog. We're crossing our fingers and hoping PETA don't care.

"I'll see your TRUE colors! Will you turn orange, and move on through with Det—[his microphone fizzled out. Sound Department? Can we get a backup? Thanks.]? Or will you turn blue, and stand there frozen in fear? We're waiting, human Frisk!"

Frisk stared at the array of dangerous things in front of them.

…Hold on, I'm getting a call. Stay put, Reader.

…What? Are you sure? All right…Ugh.

"Huh? What's wrong? Human, why are you frozen in place?" Sans stepped forward, and waved a hand in front of their face.

We'll have to cancel the Deadly Gauntlet of Spikes. PETA don't care, but Child Protective Services does.

"A voice from the heavens! Provide enlightenment for me, O enlightened one! Tell me why I have been subjected to this eternity in a still, unmoving world!"

…Sans, you've been there for two minutes. Suck it up, it'll be over soon.

The sharp, pointy, non-kid-friendly things disappeared. Everything returned to life.

"Did…did either of you two see that?!" Sans panicked.

"See what, bro?"

"Everything…stopped! Just…stopped!"

"Whoa…are you sure it's not all in your head?"

"Of course it's not! Look! Where the Deadly Gauntlet of Spikes used to be! It's gone!"

Frisk didn't know what he was talking about. That had never been there. Clearly, he was stark raving mad.

"I…I…" Sans blushed blue. He turned away. "…I need to…go sort this out…But! But we shall meet again, human! Come to my house when you are ready!"

With that, Sans darted toward the bridge, not even bothering to give Frisk an address.

"Well. Seems like something rattled his bones." Papyrus took a drag from the cigarette. "The Royal Guard's not really my thing, pal; guess I'll be seeing you later."

And with that, Frisk finally accomplished what they had been trying to do all chapter:

Get away from these two idiots.

* * *

Notes:

Bless the people who make Undertale maps so I don't have to play through the game again, or slog through gameplay videos.

…I wonder how long it'll be before the Youtube Red reference is obsolete.

I realized after I had written most of this that in reality, given how I've been writing this so far, it should technically be Sans's personality playing the part of Papyrus…essentially, Swap Paps leading Frisk through the puzzles…but I like it this way better. Eh, whatever.

*Cue an entire spinoff chapter of series of Swap Sans wandering around a frozen world* Don't believe me? I'll do it.


	3. Obligatory Date Chapter

**Note: Before someone complains, yes, one of the following lines of clever dialogue (canned laughter ensues) is from Danganronpa Abridged Thing, and is not in fact my own.**

"But…can't I have just one?" Frisk tied a ribbon in their hair and batted their eyes, hoping sheer cuteness would be enough to convince the cat-monster in front of them.

Said cat monster sighed, the bags under his eyes seeming to get deeper. He leaned on the edge of the ice cream cart, lighting a cigarette.

"Look, kid. It's 5:00. My shift's over, and I just did inventory. I _can't_ sell you any Ice Mean."

They looked up, eyes glistening with tears.

"…Now what was that you said about the time you tried to impress those girls, and the ice cream melted all over your pants? Wait…ah, that's right. You wanted me to tell everyone in Snowdin, right?" They grinned, sliding a bottle of eyedrops in their pocket.

Any emotion melted off his face. Slowly, a deep frown formed, covering his young-looking face with wrinkles.

"…Just take the friggin' popsicle."

"Yaaaay! Thank you, Mister!" Frisk cheered and ran off as the monster wrote '1 pop – melted' on his inventory sheet.

"Stupid kid." He folded up the umbrella and began to push the cart home.

Snowdin was a lovely place, Frisk had to admit; the holiday lights hanging from the houses and the Christmas tree in the center of town reminded them of their neighbors, who kept their lights up year-round so they could celebrate every day. A pang of homesickness rose in their chest, but they suppressed it and marched onward.

Into the tobacco-scented hoodie of a tall skeleton.

"Hey, kid. You gonna skip town without seeing my brother first?" An array of bones materialized behind Papyrus. "Not a good idea, pal."

"WhoaWHOAholdon." Frisk waved their hands in front of them defensively. "He never gave me his address! I didn't even know he lived here! Seriously, what's wrong with you?!"

The bones disappeared.

"Oh, okay. Guess I'll give you the tour, then." Papyrus shoved his hands in his pockets. "I'll make you some of my spaghetti while I'm at it. _Bone apetit._ "

Frisk nodded, and wondered why monsters were so quick to kill any random child. If they didn't know better, they would think it was Underf—

"Hey, Sans, you there?" Papyrus called up the stairs as he opened the door.

"Go away, Papyrus! I…need to sort out my COMPLICATED FEELINGS!"

"Just thought I'd tell you the human was here. We're having spaghetti. Wanna come down?"

A lock clicked from upstairs, and a blanket-wrapped Sans peeked down the stairs.

"H-human Frisk!" He coughed, and blushed blue. "I…I! I! I! I-I!"

Frisk rolled their eyes at Sans's blatant misunderstanding of the Pronoun Game (+1 Sin).  
"I…need to get back to making more puzzles for you! Hahah! We shall meet again, human!" With a dramatic point, the door to his room slammed shut once more.

"Well…that was something."

"Yeah, he's pretty cool even when he's in one of his moods." Papyrus walked into the kitchen, pulling out a pot. "Now. I'm not gonna be around much longer for…reasons, so I'm just gonna get the infodump out of the way now. You cool with that?"

"Uhhhh…okay, I guess?"

"Great, I hate beating around the bush." He put noodles and a pan of sauce on to boil. "First: if you see a little cat-thing around here, it's not a fairy. It's a dog with cat ears. Look closer, you blind idiot."

Frisk nodded sagely at what was clearly the producer's apology for a misunderstanding in an earlier episode due to both the absence of the Fact-Checking Committee and the Having-Eyes Committee.

"Also, don't trust it. It tried to kill you. My brother seems to like it, though, so it'll probably be important later." He turned down the heat; the meal was almost ready. "Next, I'm friends with that lady who tried to kill you in Chapter 1. She made me promise to kill you, but my brother said not to. So…what I'm saying is…" He handed Frisk a plate stacked high with steaming noodles and sauce. "If it weren't for him…I'd just give you crappy over-boiled noodles."

Frisk nodded again, not quite sure they understood what any of this had to do with spaghetti.

"I'm just kidding, buddy." He made himself a plate and sat down. "So…you think this is a little like a date, or what?"

Frisk nearly spit a fountain of marinara, which is actually kinda gross.

"Wh-why are you asking? I'm like not even twelve and what is—"

"Ah, c'mon, it's pretty clear my brother has a crush…or something? …On you." He twirled his fork in his spaghetti. "So let's practice, for when he asks you out. Besides, I'm sure at least someone out there was expecting this."

"Uhhhh….okay."

"Great." Papyrus closed his eyes. Suddenly, an effusive grin overtook his face, and he brought his shoulders inward and did a cute anime-girl double fist-pump.

"Human Frisk! It has come to my attention that we share many similar interests! Interests like…puzzles! And solving them! And being puzzle geniuses! So…that means we should date, right?!"

Frisk looked up at the tall skeleton, his complete lack of chill, and the shojo bubbles gathering around his head.

"You're scaring me."

"Fear is not welcome in my home environment!" He slammed a book on the table. "It says in my dating guide that the first step after asking you out is to wear nice clothing!" He threw off his hoodie, revealing a red-themed replica of his brother's outfit. "My brother will probably be wearing something like this, since he always dresses his best!"

"Can I go home? Going home sounds like a good idea right now. Where'd you say that Monster King was?"

"You're an entitled RPG protag! Tu casa es mi casa; toma mi comida!" He pulled a hamburger from nowhere and slammed that, too, on the table. "Do you know what this is?"

"It's a burger. Probably."

"Yes, indeed, it is a burger! But not just any burger! Remember it well, for it is my brother's favorite!" He pulled out two more burgers, shuffling them all faster than Frisk's eyes could track. "Now, which one was it?"

Frisk examined their options. On the left was a burger made of sequins and glitter; not really very appetizing, but maybe it was an important part of monster culture and they were in fact being very insensitive. In the middle was a completely average burger made of meat, lettuce, tomato, and sexy buns. On the right was…something that sort of looked like shoelaces and a wad of gum wedged between two pieces of stale bread left over from craft services.

"…Imma go with the one in the middle."

"WOWIE!" Papyrus's eyes bulged out, and he cupped his face in his hands. "That's it! You must love me so much to remember something like that!"

"Uh, yeah, that's exactly it. Really. 100%."

"All right then! This is the final test!" Papyrus's eyes narrowed, and he leaned in.

"…What do you think of my brother?"

"Oh, him? He's an idiot."

The last vestiges of Sans melted off of Papyrus's face. He pulled his hoodie back on, and grinned.

"Still hiding your feelings, huh? Don't worry, it'll go okay."

"Mm-hm. Heeey, I think I'll go visit him now. Sound good?"

He flashed a thumbs-up. "You go, kid."

Indeed, Frisk did go: out the door, into the night, and away from these two idiots (for real this time, they hoped).

* * *

Somewhere, a very confused Sans hugged a pillow.

"Pillow-chan? Can I talk to you like you're that human?"

He assumed Pillow-chan had nodded, and continued.

"I need to talk to you about…something I still can't quite understand…hm? Meet you at the Waterfall Sentry Station? That's it! You always have the best ideas!"

He kissed Pillow-chan (platonically) and ran out the door.

* * *

Notes/Manizu Chatter:

It seems like the last chapter led a lot of people to Everyday Life with Skelebros, so, awesome! Glad my garbage/boredom led you to my actual good stuff!

I've gotten back into what I originally intended to write for this (different personalities playing the same roles, instead of different characters as the same personalities playing the same roles), so…it looks like we're going to be seeing more of Shouty Sans than I intended. Uh, whoops…

Sarcastic Frisk is best Frisk. I'm beyond all hope of making them cute ever again.


End file.
